#JuWriSoMos Reflections, Week 4

The #JuWriSoMos challenge has been very helpful for me this past week. In spite of the occasional struggle that I have to put words down on paper, I found myself identifying some patterns that I hadn’t noticed before. I don’t know that I have ever taken the time to reflect on, and write down, why I want to write the things that resonate most with me or what my audience for those things is. I have thought about them before in passing, but I hadn’t really pondered them at all and I don’t think I’ve ever written any of them down at all. I found that part really beneficial, and now that it is written down I cant seem to get it out of my mind.

I know from reading and engaging with others about this topic, that something happens when we write things down that doesn’t otherwise. And I know that for me, I am better able to organize and process my thoughts if I write them out. I guess I just hadn’t connected the dots, or thought that I would observe anything remotely surprising if I were to take a few moments and reflect on what I want to write about, who I want to write to, and why I want to write those things. That sounds so ridiculous, but sometimes things in my brain are too close to me and I cant see them…

I am not sure which came first, the ADHD or the CPTSD, or if one is simply a symptom of the other. Either way, my brain is constantly working overtime. There are thoughts flying around in my brain every moment of every day, and it is overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes when I am trying to put thoughts together it feels like I am standing in the eye of a tornado, trying to pull a straw from the swirling vortex. I can notice the thoughts, but I can’t connect to them or reach them because they are so many and so fast. But when I write, it feels like I am able to pluck out a thread, and follow it. I am able to capture, and organize, and make sense of the jumble.

The odd thing is, I essentially write and talk for a living. People comment about how it seems so natural and easy for me to speak, present, consult, and facilitate. Truth is though, that it is sometimes excruciatingly difficult to put thoughts together and make them come out of my mouth. Sometimes it flows, but most of the time I am scrambling inside my head to grab the things I want to say and make them into sentences. People comment that my writing resonates for them, that I am gifted in this way. And the truth is, that it is a skill. There is a natural ability to it, but I have to work extremely hard in order for any of it to make sense, even to me.

This is where this challenge has been the most helpful for me. I am noticing that the practice of writing every day has been shifting my brain, things are getting easier to collect. Its still chaos up there in my brain, and its still a lot of work…I just feel like I have more tools and even muscles to get to where I am trying to go now. And that is definitely worth the time and effort spent putting together this challenge and doing the work of the challenge alongside everyone else.