#WriteWithMe Reflection: Week 6

Week 6.

First of all, it doesn’t seem possible that we’re already wrapping the 6th week of this writing journey. That by itself has got me in my feels. Where in the world does time go, exactly?!?!

Okay, enough of that. This week we really were taking a moment to imagine what happens when we step out into our dreams, or work towards that goal we have been secretly longing to reach. Imagining what our first steps would be, barriers we might have to overcome. Imagining what would keep us going in the face of the obstacles we imagine, what it feels like to see the dream or goal being realized. And imagining what we learn about ourselves, people we love, and the world around us as we made our way towards our dreams and goals.

I am not the best at these kinds of imaginings. A lot of folks who know me well know that I can imagine how things come together, how things might be for others, and that I can see patterns and pathways with apparent ease that are not obvious to most. As with most things, it is easier for me to see these things, imagine these things…for other people. I used to think there was an obvious reason for this, like it is always easier to imagine and connect things when it is laid out in front of you. If it is too close, it is almost impossible. And while I still think this is partially the fact that I am “outside looking in” when I do this for other people, I noticed something that other folks probably already realized.

I am not good at these kinds of imaginings for myself, because it requires me to want. It requires me to name a dream or a goal, for myself.

I have done so much inner healing work, and I do have dreams and aspirations and goals and desires. I do actively work towards many of them, actually. But naming them? Naming the ones I have been, apparently, holding onto and keeping close to my chest? After all I have already reached, accomplished, and been given?

After everything that has been given to me, after all the work others have done to make sure I have a life that is so much more than I ever imagined or dared to dream up? After surviving and making it out alive, after all the times I should have passed on from this life? After all of that I still dare to have dreams and goals?

A deep questioning obviously followed this train of thought as I gingerly unwrap the layers of this buried and entangled guilt that I survived when so many I know did not. That I was afforded the opportunities to heal and begin to live and thrive. That I am worthy, that my dreams and goals are worth naming and pushing towards. That my worthiness as a human being is not tied to whether I accomplish any specific thing, or to how much I produce. And that this was true of those who did not make it out alive, too.

The question jumps back at me, “why am I here today?”

I am learning to move with grace over fear. Naming fully, calling myself in to accountability with humility. As a practice and not a destination. I am learning to tell the truth to myself, to learn and really digest the truth, and to show up better for myself and others. This is no simple action item checklist. There’s no easy button for this inner work, and it is the work that must be done.

So I have to sit with this for a while. These emotions are strong around this question, and also the train of thought that got me here. This is a road I have traveled before, a rabbit hole I have gone down. It is not unfamiliar to me, and there is some comfort in that.

Still, I need to pause and notice what is happening here for a while. What are these feelings trying to say to me? What else can I learn from them? What do I need from them before I am ready to release them?