Write My MAP Reflection: Week 13

Though the tasks I laid out for myself this week were fairly simple, I found myself overwhelmed by them. Maybe it was more just a general feeling of overwhelm. This past week was a lot, and I needed to use my skills in mindfulness and self regulation more than I usually do. I know much of it has to do with the state of the country, knowing what is coming, trying to warn people to take action before more damage is done. Having already tried to get people to take action before we got to where we are now, and witnessing things unfolding as we knew they would…Its exhausting really.

I kept going back to the question “Where and how do I want to spend the majority of my energy this year?” and trying not to stay in the emotions that arose knowing full well that where and how I spend my energy this year will have very little to do with what I want. When I took the time to reflect on the emotions that kept bubbling up, I noticed an old coping mechanism trying to return. Dysregulation allows for old survival techniques to take root, so I spent a lot more energy this week on regulating myself.

I was raised in an environment and belief system that put men in authority over everyone, power and ownership over “the weaker sex” was a divine right. In the space I was raised, women and girls and young boys were “disciplined” to never question a man in authority, and to do everything for the pleasure of god and those to whom protection and power were given. Saying no to a man, almost literally any man for any reason, was not an option. It was clear in many situations that comfort and survival were based on whether or not the male figures were comfortable and happy, and that this was because of the idea that the daughters of Eve must pay for her sins. The sons of Adam were given the right to carry out the punishments, for Adam was the victim and must still expend energy providing for the daughters of Eve. The lease that could be done is to have a little pleasure and comfort along the way, after all, Eve was to blame. And this is instilled in infancy, reinforced through childhood and teenagerhood, lived in adulthood. Eve is silenced, reduced to an object and a factory of sorts.

One of the coping mechanisms learned through this environment is to acquiesce to the whims of male authority no matter how obscene or unjust. An objection doesn’t have teeth or backbone, because when displeasure or stress in a male authority figure is displayed in spite of how much damage is being done, even directly to us, we must lend ourselves fully to the upholding the authority and pleasure of ‘him.’ Rocking the boat is not an option, our very lives depend on keeping the ride smooth and stress free.

Its gross, isnt it? Deeply disturbing, the implications of this. And when we have generations of people raised in this manner…well, a tyrant can just walk right over every boundary, completely unchecked, and it will be lauded as the will of god.

I have to fight the rage that comes from being dehumanized the way this bit of theology plays out, I have to fight the terror that can arise when I know what I am about to do (or usually already have done) could make someone upset. It doesn’t make logical sense, but it makes sense in my body and my amygdala.

I am deeply grateful for the years I have had to heal and to rewire my brain to recognize when coping mechanisms based on the residue of being raised in an environment like that begin to creep in. I am deeply grateful for the time I have been able to spend learning about the brain, how it works and how it is reworked, as well as the time practicing grounding and centering techniques. Because of this, I was able to work on the goals I had for this past week, even though I knew that I was rocking the boat. And as I prepare for this coming week, I am holding that in the front of my mind along with this…

The emperor marches the streets
Demanding your applause
Look at me! He screams
When you do not turn your gaze

I am the only one who can save you! He threatens
Save us from what? Someone dares to ask

He starts a fire and steals the hose
He orders the markets close and bars the doors
He sends the courts into a flurry
He orders streets be blocked and barricaded

Not to worry
I will save you
If only you approve
Of my outfit

Everyone is afraid
That a naked man will leave them to die
In a disaster he created
So the crowd goes wild with praise

From the sidelines,
Someone throws a bucket of water
To slow the flames
Someone breaks through the doors
To allow access to the stores
Someone orders the barricades from the roads
To give another way out

I am the only one who can save you!
The emperor cries out

The crowd has a choice
Prostrate themselves to the whims of an unclothed man
And tackle those who dared to save themselves

Or defy the will of the emperor