WriteTogether Reflection: Week Sixteen
Week sixteen. It is hard to believe that we are here at the end of week sixteen already, staring down the proverbial barrel of the end of this writing journey… Phew. Sometimes I have to take a moment when I think about how much time has passed during these writing journeys. I know it seems silly but the chaos of things that mark the time throughout these writing journeys makes it hard to really grasp how much, and how little, time has truly gone by.
Anyway! This past week I was able to dive in and take care of some things that had been on my plate for awhile and releasing those felt really good. I was able to connect with my sister, and we’ve got a plan so I think we will both get somewhere this time around. Hope, there is hope.
As I was working on mind-mapping Between the Mess and the Madness (working title), I found myself very energized. A part of me has been waiting to get this book out of my brain and body for a long time, and starting to create the outline and structure gave me a little hope too. Yet… I found myself hesitating. Procrastinating, even.
The process began to drag out, I found myself losing steam and even wandering away from the writing. I told myself it was because I had another project I had to get done, one for work, and I just needed to focus on getting it out of the way so I could return to my writing. And then I found myself struggling with that project too. I told myself it was because I got thrown off course in the middle of the week when my son needed extra support during school hours and I lost almost an entire day. I told myself it was my ADHD and SAD showing out because I hadn’t been able to use my normal coping skills as much. And I told myself I was just tired because I’d been waking up earlier and not sleeping well.
And then I was facilitating a coaching session, and I heard myself asking “is it possible your distractibility is covering up how you are feeling about the progress you are making?”
Well! Sometimes the things I ask others are the things the universe has been gently trying to get me to notice.
Of course my distractibility is covering up how I am feeling about the progress I am making in this book! Absolutely all those other things were factors, but when I cut through the excuses I was making and started noticing what was underneath.
I was worried that I wont finish this book this time around, that I wont be able to get it to come together. I was doubting that I had anything that really needs saying, thinking maybe my best writing is already done and I will only ever publish workbooks. I was anxious that what I have to say wont be received well, that I wont be believed. I was concerned that maybe I just don’t have what it takes. And most of all, I was afraid.
In the book I am writing, I am sharing some really vulnerable things and addressing some of the mistakes I have made over the years as a leader in my field. In the book, I am opening cans of worms that I have been told by others to just let go of, stuff folks would rather just brush under the rug.
In spite of how brave I may seem to many, how freely I speak my mind at times. Despite how many filmed interviews I have done, for me there is something deeper when these things are in writing… and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough courage to see it through.
Recognizing that fear, noticing where it came from, allowed me to release it. I know it will return, and when it does, I hope that I have the wherewithal to notice, learn from it, and let it go again.
Hope, there is hope.
This coming week, I am committing to the introduction. Wish me luck!
Back next week.